OR.. The Day After Valentine’s Day

So far the only card’s I’ve been able to find for this day are the blank ones that I have to fill out myself. Man it’s hard enough thinking of that little extra quip to add to the cards that come with words!

I tell you, I love my wife and I like to do special things for her, but nothing is less romantic to me than an obligatory profession of love. If it were up to me, Valentine’s day would be the one day I DIDN’T say “I love you” to her.

But I certainly can’t just let the day go by and do nothing. I mean, every ignorant self-centered jackass in the country is doing something for their loved-one on this day. And that’s the problem. In order for me to maintain my image and reputation as a guy who is clearly above average in the show-your-love-with-originality department, my display of lust and affection needs to clearly rise above the fray. The fray of course referring to the division-III-college-quarterback-turned-mortgage-broker buying flowers from the grocery store at the last minute for his had-nice-boobs-before-3-kids-caused-her-butt-to-dwarf-them-martha-wannabe wife.

Of course this all leads into the usual rant about my frustration with the people in our culture that simply strive to achieve the cookie-cutter destiny that has been so neatly laid out for them by their family, peers, government and church. They make up the majority of our world and are the largest hurdle in the way of restoring my faith in the notion that I could possible have an intelligent and enjoyable encounter with any random person I meet. And since this is the main subject of my soon-to-be-put-off-until-never autobiography, I’ll save it for the publisher. Anyway, I think you know where I’m going with all this, and if you don’t, I’ve probably got a problem with you.

Ok so I did take part in this annual ritual, second only to Christmas in the tortuous pain department. I ordered my woman some sweet-ass flowers from one of those online places, it starts with 1800…. and ends with flowers.com. I’ve done this pretty successfully in the past, some nice flowers got delivered and what not. I know you’re thinking, “you call flowers going above the fray?”. Hey, I didn’t claim that bigger/more expensive was my solution. Nuance is often the only difference between average and brilliant. My deft as the aforementioned fantastic lover, allows me to give her flowers, and yet somehow she didn’t “just get flowers”.
You see I had her flowers delivered to her work. It’s a pretty miserable place for her. and she probably spends more waking hours there than at home, so this is where the flowers are needed. Getting the art?
Well no matter, the whole thing went to shit anyway. The florist didn’t end up delivering the flowers until after the end of the business day, when she had already long gone home. So she never got any flowers for valentine’s day! Ok, I was really pissed. They know they are delivering to a business, and they know these flowers are for a special occasion which happens to only be occurring TODAY, so why the hell would they even think they could get away with delivering the flowers in the evening?! They did re-deliver the flowers the next morning, some had already wilted. Probably just left them in their truck overnight, bastards.
Well I sent them a fairly scathing email and they got right back to me, about 4 hours later with an automated email, thanking me for contacting them and letting me know it will take awhile for a real person to get back to me because they are pretty busy this time of year. What the hell? Did the Valentine’s day catch them by surprise? I’m definitely done with that place.

Oh but I still came out looking good, I mean come on, you didn’t think I just gave flowers do you? The aforementioned latin-lover? That evening I arrived home with a nicely wrapped bottle of sweet-sweet love, Bailey’s and a card that expressed how I felt about her in a way only she knows. Plus I wrote in a little quip of my own.

Ah, I made it, and today I celebrate.